


Addicted to a Certain Kind of Sadness

by EAS1928



Category: Political RPF - US 21st c., Real Person Fiction
Genre: Divorce, F/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-09-19 18:43:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 18,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9455513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EAS1928/pseuds/EAS1928
Summary: Bill and Hillary parted ways after they left the White House.  The divorce becomes too much for one of them to bear. (Trigger Warning)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm in class and bored silly so I decided to post this. Sorry for the dark subject matter, but this idea popped in my head after reading some articles about billary.

Her phone rang. Hillary groaned and rolled over burying her face in her pillow. The cell phone stopped but immediately began to ring again. She rolled toward the nightstand, she groped around in the dark until her hand came into contact with the cold offending device. Hillary grabbed the phone, sliding her finger across the screen to accept the phone.

“Chelsea is everything ok?” she said her voice roughened from deep sleep. She listened intently to her daughter’s frantic words. She sat bolt upright in bed, throwing the covers off her body as she went. Hillary stood from her bed and immediately went to her closet to grab something to put on. “Sweetie it’s going to be ok, I’m on my way” she didn’t hang up the phone, holding the phone between her ear and shoulder as she pulled on a pair of sweat pants. She placed the phone on her dresser, pressing the speaker button so that she could put a bra on and pull a sweatshirt over her head. Chelsea had to go, but Hillary was already in her van and on her way.

The ride to NYC seemed longer than the forty-five minutes it took. The roads were fairly clear at this early morning. Hillary was taken to the service entrance of Beth Israel, they did not want the media to catch wind of what was happening. She slipped out of the van and head into the hospital. She suddenly felt sick to her stomach. She’d kept a stiff upper lip the entire ride, but the smell of the sterile air and the cold that met her skin made her feel ill. She swallowed the spit collecting in her mouth, Hillary took a moment to collect herself, taking several cleansing breaths.  She stepped onto an elevator to take her up to the fifth floor of the hospital.

When she stepped off the elevator, Chelsea saw her mom and ran to her launching herself into her arms. She buried her face in her mom’s neck as she let all the emotions she’d been holding in burst forth. “Sweetie, what is happening?” Chelsea had only told her there had been an accident and Bill was rushed to the hospital, but she hadn’t given any details. She disengaged from her mother, wiping the tears from her. Chelsea grabbed her mother’s hand.

“We should go talk in a lounge” Chelsea led her mom to a secluded lounge on the already private floor of the hospital. When they passed the family lounge, Hillary caught sight of Emily, Bill’s girlfriend. She gritted her teeth at the sight of the woman that was young enough to be his daughter. She mentally shook her head and thought typical. When they reached the lounge, Chelsea sat across from her mom and took a deep breath.

“Honey, I’m sure your dad will be ok” Hillary reached across the table and took Chelsea’s hands between her.

“Mom, he tried to kill himself” Hillary breath caught in her throat. She removed her hands from Chelsea’s and covered her mouth. She shook her head in disbelief. “One of his agents came in to talk to him about plans for his trip to Africa and found him. Apparently, he took pills, he got to him just in time. They had to pump his stomach, but they think he’ll live, they just don’t know how long he’d been unconscious and if there will be any permanent brain damage” Hillary still sat with her hand covering her mouth in absolute shock and horror. She could not form a coherent thought. Chelsea stopped talking to let her mother process everything. Hillary took a deep breath and composed herself, she had to be strong for her daughter.

“Why?” she simply asked. Chelsea’s eyes darted to the side. Hillary knew there was more that she didn’t want to say. “Honey I can take it.” Chelsea reached into her pocket and produced an envelope.

“The agent found this on the nightstand” she handed it to Hillary. It was a sealed envelope with her name written on it in Bill’s chicken scratch. She just stared at the envelope not wanting to see what was inside. She looked at Chelsea.

“Why didn’t you open it?”

“It’s not my place, whatever is in there he wanted you to have it and no one else” Hillary stared down at the envelope. Chelsea stood. She looked up at her, questions in her eyes. “You need some time alone. I’ll be in the family room if you need me” she clasped her mother’s shoulder before bending and kissing her cheek. Chelsea left the room and Hillary resumed staring at the envelope. She chewed her bottom lip as her hand ran over her name on the envelope. Hillary took a deep breath, before flipping the envelope over. She ran her finger underneath the flap, tearing it open. Tucked neatly inside was a piece of beige folded paper. She slowly pulled it out, laying the envelope on the table. Before she opened the paper she took another deep breath.

_My dearest Hillary,_

_I didn’t do this to make you feel bad. I did it because I just can’t go on any longer without you. I love you and I know I messed up a lot, but I miss you so much. I tried to find happiness in Emily, but we all knew that wasn’t going to last. I’ve sustained myself on the belief that eventually we would find ourselves back together, but the longer this goes on the more it has become apparent that I’m living in a fantasy. I am so sorry for everything. I look back on our lives and I knew then you were too good for me, but I was selfish and I decided that I just had to have you, of course it was constantly to your detriment. I know that even though we are no longer together, that you do worry about me and you ask Chelsea about my health and I simply do not deserve your compassion. I am doing this to put us both out of our misery. You so you don’t have to worry about me any longer and me so I don’t have to go on without you. I love you forever and always Hilly. I hope that you do find the happiness I was never able to give you._

_Bill_

Her tears stained the paper, smudging the words. She sobbed and grabbed her chest. Her heart breaking. She never knew how bad off he was. How had she missed the signs? Hillary started to blame herself, if she’d not been so selfish and held a grudge she’d have noticed his decline. If she could have forgiven him one more time. She sucked her bottom lip in, her teeth holding it in her mouth as she stared down at the paper. She finally took another deep breath, sliding the paper back into the envelope and then tucking it into her purse. Hillary stood from the table, being sure to wipe her face before she left the small room to locate Chelsea.

Chelsea sat in the family waiting room, she was reading a book. Emily sat on the opposite side of the waiting room. She and Chelsea had not ever seen eye to eye. Their interactions weren’t just icy they were outright hostile. Hillary had never known Chelsea to be so outwardly disapproving of someone as she was Emily. Chelsea noticed her mom and gave her a small smile. Hillary sat next to her and patted her leg.

“Have you heard anything?” Chelsea shook her head sadly. She saw Emily out the corner of her eye, rolling her eyes at them. Chelsea recognized Bill’s doctor coming in.

“Mrs. Clinton” he said referring to Hillary. Emily stood.

“She’s not Mrs. Clinton, they’re no longer married” the doctor looked down at the chart.

“She is listed as President Clinton’s Power of Attorney” Hillary’s eyes widened. She had no idea why and when he’d done that. Emily’s nose flared in anger. The doctor looked back at Hillary. “Is it ok if we talk here?” she nodded in agreement. “He has a long road of recovery, not only physically, but mentally. From the test we’ve conducted it does not appear that his heart stopped, his brain appears to not have been starved of oxygen, but of course we won’t know for sure until we wake him up.”

“Is he being sedated?” Hillary asked looking at Chelsea.

“Yes ma’am he is. We will start waking him up tomorrow. Do you have any idea why he’d try to kill himself?” Emily snorted.

“If you have something to say just say it” Hillary was not in the mood for her antics. Emily stalked over.

“He tried to kill himself because he was tired of being blamed for everything wrong in her life” she said pointing at Hillary. “Every time we turned around some media outlet was asking about her, talking about her presidential run and why it wasn’t successful and it always came back to being his fault instead of the fact that maybe she just sucks” Chelsea sucked in a breath, Hillary patted her arm letting her know it was ok. The doctor turned back to Hillary.

“I’m not really sure what is going on here, and I don’t really care. My main focus is the well being of my patient. I need all of this, whatever it is put aside.”

“I’m sure that I shouldn’t be his POA. Surely that POA is outdated” the doctor looked down at the information he had. He knew that he shouldn’t but Emily was irritating him.

“This POA was signed a month ago, changing it from Chelsea Clinton to, Chelsea Clinton and Hillary Clinton. With Secretary Clinton being the primary responsible party” all color drained from Emily’s face. She was seething and had the situation not been so dire it would have been funny.

“When can we see him?” Chelsea asked.

“In the morning, as a matter of fact you all should go home and get some rest. He’s going to be out of it for the rest of the night and he’s stable.” They all reluctantly agreed to leave. Hillary decided to go back to Chelsea’s so that she was closer. The ride back to Chelsea’s house was made in silence. Chelsea knew that her mother had a lot on her mind and she let her have time to think. When they made it back to the apartment, Hillary checked in on the kids before going to the guest room.

Chelsea brought her mother something to sleep in. Hillary kissed her goodnight and climbed into the bed. She was absolutely exhausted but her mind wouldn’t let her sleep. She laid in bed thinking about all that happened tonight, all that happened since she’d met him and if there was anything she missed, anyway she could have stopped this? Hillary sighed and rolled over onto her side. She knew that she wouldn’t be able to solve this tonight and she’d really just worry herself more than she already was. She closed her eyes, taking some deep cleansing breaths trying to will her body to go to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning things will get increasingly worse before they get better.

The hospital called early the next morning informing them that they had started to wake Bill. Hillary and Chelsea made their way to the hospital. Neither of them were sure what they were going to encounter. Their emotions ran higher today than they did the previous night. They walked slowly towards his room. The doctor came to them.

“I’d like to speak with you all for a minute” they walked into a private room. “We’ve had him awake for three hours and have run him through several cognitive tests as well as performed an MRI. There is no functional anomalies or damage” the doctor stopped talking to take a deep breath. “Emotionally, mentally he’s in a rough space. I don’t know if you all have anyone in mind to come speak with him or we can use the psychiatrist on call. He’s going to need this sooner rather than later” they both swallowed the lumps in their throats.

“We have someone that we trust. I will make arrangements.”

“He is physically fine and as such we will keep him one additional night to monitor him. The real work begins when he leaves. He cannot be alone” the doctor looked between Chelsea and Hillary. They hadn’t thought of anything beyond making sure he lived.

“I will have him come back to my place” Chelsea spoke up. Hillary shook her head.

“You have two small children, and both you and Marc work. I’ll take him back to Chappaqua” Chelsea’s eyes widened. Her parents weren’t exactly on cordial terms, but she knew there was still a deep love there.

“Mom are you sure?” she nodded. Truth be told she felt somewhat guilty for his state and she wanted to help however she could.

“Yes sweetie. When we leave here I’ll go home and make arrangements for your dad to stay at the house.”

Chelsea went in to see her dad alone. Hillary stood outside the room trying to still herself for the encounter. She thought about more than once just leaving, but she had to face him at some point. Chelsea sat with him for about forty-five minutes. When she came out of the room she looked emotionally exhausted. Hillary took her baby girl into her arms.

“It’s just so hard to see him so broken” Hillary felt the warm tears pelting her neck. Chelsea blew out a breath and composed herself. “Are you going in?” she could tell her mother was hesitant.

“Did you tell him I was here?”

“I did” Hillary waited for her to continue.  “It’s ok mom” she shook her head. Hillary turned and headed for his room. She pulled the heavy wood door open and stepped inside. The room dimly lit, the beeping of a heart monitor the only sound. He lay in bed his eyes closed, looking years older than he was. She stood unmoving.

“Oh for fuck’s sake Hillary, I tried to off myself I don’t have leprosy” she was shocked at the venom in his voice. She turned back to the door wondering if this was a mistake, but then she realized she had to still herself against this, he was coming to stay with her after all.

“Bill” she stepped closer. He opened his eyes and focused cold blue on her. She had to use all the reserve she had not to cry at the anger and contempt she saw. Maybe Emily was right, but then she remembered his letter.

“Don’t pity me, if that’s what you’re here for you can fuck off” Hillary clenched her jaw trying not to get upset, she knew he was intentionally trying to push her away. She walked next to his bed and stared down at him, he averted his eyes.

“I’m thankful that you are going to be ok. When you’re released from the hospital you will come and stay with me” he cut his eyes at her.

“The hell I am” he sat up, but felt dizzy still suffering some side effects from his overdose.

“It’s that or you go to a psych hospital, it’s up to you.”

“You don’t make decisions for me. I’m an adult.”

“According to the POA you signed a month ago, I do make decisions for you. Chelsea is busy with her family and the foundation. You will stay with me or the psych hospital those are your only two options” his eyes shot cold daggers her way and if looks could kill she’d have been in the hospital morgue. She realized he wasn’t going to say anything else to her. “I’ve called Dr. Morrison” she noticed his jaw tick, but he remained silent. “He’ll be here tomorrow. I knew he was someone we trusted” he turned to her.

“Why would you call the man that couldn’t save our marriage?  He’s a failure so if you brought him in to help me you must really want me dead!” her breath hitched and she tried to blink the tears away but one lone tear rolled down her cheek. Hillary backed up from his bed. He stared at her the entire time, she really felt like he hated her and that broke her heart.

“I will send someone to come pick you up tomorrow when you’re released and bring you back to Chappaqua” Hillary turned and abruptly left the room. She was thankful that Chelsea was nowhere to be found. She walked quickly to the bathroom, practically running to the nearest stall. She closed the door and perched with her back against the wall as the tears came in unabated torrents. Her lips trembled and she clutched her chest as the tightness of the heart break threatened to consume her.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starting to peel away the layers.

She knew he was coming to her house. Hillary busied herself in her office trying not to think about him. She’d hired several aides to help although he wasn’t physically impaired. She really wanted a hands off approach. Dr. Morrison would be arriving later in the day to start his intensive therapy. Hillary agreed to let him stay in the guest house so that he would be available if Bill needed him. She thought of setting Bill up in the guest house but she wanted him to feel welcome, even if she wasn’t sure he was.

Hillary heard a slight commotion coming from the front of the house but she ignored it. “I don’t need your fucking help, I’m not an invalid” she heard his voice billow. She covered her eyes trying to stave off the headache she felt forming, that she was sure was caused by her mounting stress. She heard a throat being cleared. She removed her hands to see one of his agents.

“Secretary Clinton…”

“I heard.”

“We set him up in the room you told us he would be in, is there anything else you need us to do right now?” Hillary gave him a sympathetic smile. She knew this was the man who found Bill.

“No, you’ve done enough” he nodded understanding what she meant. Hillary pushed away from her desk knowing she had to go talk to him.

Hillary slowly climbed the stairs towards the room where she had him placed. It was close to her bedroom but not too close. She saw that the door was closed. She knocked softly and waited, but there was no answer. Hillary knocked again, she knew he was in there, still no answer.

“Bill!” there was silence. Hillary became annoyed. She turned the handle and found it locked. She began to feel panicked. “Bill!” she called again jiggling the handle. All types of scenarios started to run through her head. She started knocking on the door frantically while screaming his name. She was in mid-knock when the door flew open.

“What do you want?” he growled at her. She stepped back, covering her mouth. He noticed how upset she was and he realized what she must have thought. Hillary turned away from him and ran back downstairs not wanting him to see her cry. He dropped his head, feeling ever helpless as he’d managed to hurt her yet again.

She returned to her office really doubting if this was the right move. How could she get through this? She didn’t know how long he’d have to stay there, what if he never got better? Hillary tasked one of the aides with watching him, he was pissed but she would not interested in interacting with him any longer. Hillary was relieved when Dr. Morrison finally appeared.

“Thank you so much for dropping everything” he hugged her lightly.

“Well you know that the two of you mean a lot to me. I was devastated when I heard he’d attempted suicide” Hillary dropped her head. “What’s wrong?” She looked up at the doctor, eyes glossy with unshed tears.

“It’s my fault, I drove him to it, if I’d just stuck it out” Dr. Morrison shook his head and stopped her train of thought.

“That’s exactly the type of thinking I don’t need. I can only treat one patient at a time” as always he was blunt and straight to the point.

“Thank you I will keep it together.”

“It’s not an option. If you can’t then he’ll need to go to a hospital where people can keep their emotions out of his treatment” she took in a sharp breath. His straightforward attitude was sometimes unsettling.

“I understand. Would you like me to show you to where he is?”

“Let me get settled in and then I will visit with Bill” Hillary showed him to the guest house. When she came back into the house she saw Bill standing in the kitchen. For a split second he looked like her Bill but she knew he wasn’t.

“Is my savior here?” his tone was still gruff.

“Yes” from her tone he knew that she wasn’t talking about Dr. Morrison. He dropped his head unable to stand her gaze any longer. “Is there something you want for dinner?” he chuckled sarcastically.

“Is Queen Hillary going to cook?” she pursed her lips biting back a rude remark.

“Is there something you’d like me to order for you?”

“I’m no invalid I can get my own food” she threw her hands up and walked out of the kitchen. Dr. Morrison stood off to the side surveying the entire scene and he had a good reason what this was about, but he’d keep that to himself and wait for Bill to discover it on his own and for that matter Hillary as well.  Bill turned and noticed Dr. Morrison casually leaning against the opposite archway from which Hillary left, eyebrows raised. He licked his lips and sighed.

“Good to see you too Bill” he pushed from the archway and walked further into the kitchen. “Let’s find a place and get started” Bill suddenly looked horrified.

“I’m tired I just got out of the hospital” Dr. Morrison knew these tricks.

“That’s fine you’ll be sitting anyway. I do believe Hillary mentioned there’s an empty office that we can use, I think you would know where it was” Dr. Morrison knew it was Bill’s old office and he was doing this on purpose.

“You bastard” Bill gritted out. His once slouched posture was raised to his full height as he hovered over the much shorter doctor.

“You don’t intimidate me and never have so stop with all the theatrics. Let’s get this show on the road, I’m sure your ex would appreciate if we don’t waste anymore of her money with the drama” he stared at Bill challenging him. Bill huffed and stalked out of the kitchen.

<><><><><> 

The two men sat in the office on two large leather chairs. Bill looked around bitterly noting all the changes she’d made to his office.

“Why did you try to kill yourself?” Bill’s thoughts were cut off by his question. He clammed up, folding his arms tightly across his chest. Dr. Morrison didn’t speak again, he wasn’t going to repeat his question he knew that Bill heard him loud and clear.

“I’m tired.”

“Of what?”

“You know what I don’t get? Why are they making me do this? Why do they care if I die or not? She certainly didn’t care enough…” he cut his statement off. Dr. Morrison sat up in his chair.

“Go on” he encouraged.

“I’m tired of the pain, sadness the looks of pity and being reminded of my failures every damn day”

“Who do you blame for your pain and sadness, the looks of pity?”

“I know what you want me to say, but I’m not.”

“Why not? Get it out” Bill stood from the chair and began to pace.

“I’m not going to try again, this is all for naught.”

“You know as well as I do that if you don’t scrape out whatever cancerous thoughts invaded your brain in the first place that you will indeed try again and possibly succeed. I’m not letting you get out of dealing with this Bill.  Sit down and let’s start talking” Bill huffed and flopped down in the chair.

It was quiet, Hillary decided to venture to the kitchen to grab a snack. She was almost to the kitchen when Bill came barreling out of the back office. He nearly knocked her down as he stampeded towards his room. She heard him stomping up the stairs and jumped when the door slammed.  Dr. Morrison walked out of the office. He took note of Hillary’s curious stare.

“You know I can’t tell you anything” he didn’t stop to chat as he headed back out to the guest house. Hillary looked around totally confused about what just happened.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took a late nap this evening woke up realized I forgot to do a blog post for school, got that done now I'm sitting here wide awake. So you all get another update. I have many chapters written that's not the problem, I hate proofing.

Two Weeks Later

Things had been the same for weeks, Bill would have his sessions with the doctor about four hours in like clockwork, Hillary would hear him come barreling out of the office, stomp up the stairs and his bedroom door would slam. He would stay in the room for the remainder of the day, his food being brought directly to him. Dr. Morrison would go back to the guest house and the next day they’d do it all over again.  He didn’t talk to her and the longer this went on the more she wondered how truthful he was being in his letter. Hillary wondered if it were his last attempt to make her feel guilty, a guilt she’d carry her entire life.

She had no clue how the therapy was going, if things were progressing. She didn’t really see Dr. Morrison much either. After sessions with Bill he seemed to have found a social life in town. He’d leave the house and be gone for hours. Of course, Chappaqua wasn’t big so if she needed him she could get him back to the house quickly. Hillary looked over at the clock, and noted the late hour. She’d been in her office nearly the entire day. She stood and her muscles screamed in protest. Her back hitched and she bent over, trying to stretch.

“You really should take stretch breaks” she jumped at his voice. Hillary looked up into the amused brown eyes of Dr. Morrison. She hadn’t realized he was still around. He walked into the office. “Here let me, once upon a time I dabbled in massage therapy” he began to rub her lower back to loosen up the muscles. After only a few minutes she felt the knot loosen and she could stand.

“Thank you, you’re a miracle work” she smiled lightly. “I wasn’t aware you were still here. You seem to have found quite the social life in town” she teasingly stated. He gave her a crooked smirk.

“What can I say there are some very charming people around?” Hillary clasped him on the shoulder.

“I’m off to bed. Thanks for helping me out” they walked out of her office and went their separate ways.

Bill sat in his bedroom seething. His nose flared and jaw clenched repeatedly. He pushed the palm of his hands against his eyes trying to banish the images of Richard touching Hillary and her allowing it. He felt like he was going to be ill. Bill stood from the bed and rushed into the bathroom, he dry heaved into the toilet. He’d come downstairs to grab a snack and happened upon the scene in her office. She didn’t even bother trying to hide it, her door was wide open as Richard felt on her. Bill’s mind started to run, was this all so she could be near Richard and not really about his well being? He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, studying himself in the mirror. He didn’t like what he saw.

He hated that he’d been too much of a coward to get a gun and just do the job instead he opted for pills. If he were to be honest with himself, he took pills because a part of him hoped that someone would find him before it was too late. Bill dropped his head, tears began to stream down his face. He’d really lost her. The divorce was devastating but he’d always maintained a shred of hope. Those hopes were buoyed when he woke up and she was there, when she offered her home to him. Now he thought she’d moved on.

<><><><><><> 

Hillary felt like a caged animal. She was tired of just sitting around doing nothing. She needed to get out of the house, go into the city; perhaps see a play. She stood from her desk and ventured up the stairs. They never spoke, but today she wanted to bridge that gap. Hillary stood in front of his door, her heart racing, unsure of what type of mood she would find him in. Hillary raised her hand to knock when the door swung open and he nearly ran into her. She was momentarily stunned.

“I’m going into town was wondering if you wanted to go? You must be tired of being cooped up” he just stared at her, his lips a tight line of simmering anger. Hillary stepped back noticing the underlying emotions.

“Richard didn’t want to go into town with you?” he asked voice dripping with sarcasm.

“I have no idea, I didn’t ask him” she stated confused about why he would ask. His nose flared slightly. “Do you want to go?”

“No” she was disappointed. He noticed her face fall and her eyes dim, but he wasn’t willing to get his hopes up. She smiled but it did not reach her eyes.

“Ok, I’ll see you later” Hillary turned from him and walked back downstairs. Bill cursed under his breath, he didn’t even understand his own behavior sometimes. She was trying to extend an olive branch and he smashed it back in her face.

<><><><><><> 

Hillary ventured into the city alone, well as alone as she could be. Even though she and Bill were no longer married she still kept her secret service detail. She saw a play and then ate dinner alone. She sat at the bar of the Polo Club. She ate in relative peace and had a lot of time to reflect on everything that happened in the last two weeks. She was starting to feel that he wouldn’t get better. His attitude towards her still hostile and mean. Chelsea came to visit the day before and seemed to think the visit went well, but of course he wouldn’t be mean to her. Hillary finished the rest of her dinner. She glanced at her watch and saw that it was well past ten. She signaled to her agents that she was ready to leave. She closed her eyes and laid her head back on the way back to the house.

Bill stood upstairs waiting for her to return. He got up often and looked out the window. He looked at his watch, it was getting late. He didn’t want her out this late. He paced, thinking he should have gone with her to make sure she got home safely. Finally, he heard a car and he rushed to the window. They opened the door for her and she slipped out of the car. She looked tired and his face dropped knowing it was probably because she was worrying about him. He heard her come in the house and then the soft sounds of her feet climbing the stairs. Bill laid his head on the cold window, just wanting to feel something. He missed her so, his therapy was helping him to uncover what led him to attempt suicide, and he’d been honest that he still thought about it. He still longed to be put out of his misery. He was so close to her yet still worlds apart and it was literally threatening to kill him.

Hillary came up the stairs quietly she didn’t want to wake him if he were asleep. She softly shuffled past his bedroom on her way to hers when Richard came up the stairs.

“Can we talk?” he said softly. She nodded and turned around. Bill heard voices in the hall and he went over and listened. He knew it was Richard and Hillary. He became enraged that they’d dare carry on right under his nose.

<><><><><><> 

Hillary led him to her office, once inside he shut the door and sat down, she followed. “What’s going on? Is everything ok with Bill?”

“We’ve done as much as we can with just him. You need to join the sessions.”

“Me? Why me? I’m his ex-wife, where is Emily she’s the girlfriend” Hillary rattled on. Dr. Morrison cocked his head to the side and watched her, the terror in her eyes was palpable. He found her reaction, interesting.

“Emily isn’t the root of all of this, you are” she gasped and stood up.

“Are you blaming me for his attempted suicide?” she was on the verge of tears. Richard shook his head realizing that they truly should have stayed together, they were both over dramatic people.

“I’m not blaming you per se. What I’m saying is the divorce was what got the ball rolling. I know that his own reckless behavior precipitated the divorce, but for him to fully get better he must fully forgive himself for that part, he must feel that you have forgiven him and he has to learn to heal and move on. That is why I need you involved in these sessions now.”

“Did he say he…” she stopped talking still unable to say the word. “Did he say I’m the cause?”

“Will you be involved or not?”

“Yes, anything to help him” Richard nodded and stood up leaving her standing in her office shell shocked. This was not how she expected things to go. She thought he’d stay with her for a few weeks, have intensive therapy, be deemed cured and sent back to his house. She never for once thought she’d have to participate in his process and that prospect scared the hell out of her.


	5. Chapter 5

Hillary arrived back home after a long walk. She was still trying to process everything from the night before. Hillary walked into the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water before heading upstairs to take a shower. When she reached the second floor she heard a strange noise coming from his room. She walked closer and that strange noise was unmistakable. She could hear the bed creaking and a woman moaning. Her nose flared in absolute anger. She stomped to her bedroom and slammed the door.

Bill heard the door slam and he knew Hillary was back. He’d invited Emily over while she was gone and she’d gladly shown up. If she could make moves with Richard, he could fuck Emily, she was at least his girlfriend.

Hillary slid onto the floor in her room. She brought her knees up to her chest as she sobbed. It was all becoming too much she didn’t know how much longer she could take this abuse from him. She knew he blamed her for his suicide attempt, for not staying married to him, but why he thought she deserved this abuse was beyond her. Hillary laid her head back on the wall, as the tears streamed down her face.

<><><><><><> 

He sat in the kitchen with Emily on his lap. He hadn’t seen Hillary or even heard her. He assumed she was still in her bedroom. A part of him wondered if he’d taken things too far last night and he really wanted to see her to know she was ok.

Hillary heard Bill and Emily earlier, giggling and having a good time it appeared. She had every intention of just staying in her bedroom all day, but her grumbling stomach had other ideas. Hillary got out of her bed, showered and threw on clothes. She let her agents know she wanted to go out. She timed how long she knew it would take for them to get everything arranged before she left the safety of her bedroom.

Bill heard her coming down the stairs. He anticipated seeing her. Emily had moved to sit across from him. He listened intently for her footsteps waiting to hear them coming closer, but instead they seemed to be getting further away until he didn’t hear them at all. Bill stood from the table.

“Where are you going?” he ignored Emily’s question and walked to the front door. He looked out the side window and saw her van pulling off. Bill laid his head against the door, he knew that he’d hurt her again. That was his intention, but the act of it wasn’t as satisfying as the thought.

<><><><><><> 

Emily left and Bill dressed to face his next session with Dr. Morrison. Hillary still had not returned and he was really concerned he’d gone too far this time. He sat in the office like he did every day. Dr. Morrison noticed he was more hostile than usual.

“What’s going on with you today?” Bill’s jaw clicked, his eyes cold bore into the doctor. “You seem angrier than usual.”

“Did you not do your best to save my marriage because you wanted her?” the words flowed from his mouth like hot lava from a volcano. Dr. Morrison wasn’t usually one to be caught off guard, but Bill’s statement and the anger intertwined with it surprised him.

“What ae you talking about?” Bill didn’t have the chance to answer, when there was a knock at the door. He knew who it was and he started to wonder if now was the right time, but Bill had to rip the band-aid off somehow and maybe this was the way. “Come in” Hillary tentatively stepped into the room.

“What is she doing here?” he growled. She stopped her movements eyes wide. She looked to the doctor.

“Didn’t you tell him?”

“Tell me what?” he felt panic crawling up his body. Was this when they would tell him they were a couple, his mind raced with heart wrenching thoughts.

“I asked Hillary to join our sessions. I think that there is a lot to uncover here and she needs to be involved. Come sit” he directed her to a chair that he’d placed so that she was isolated from him and Bill. She felt self-conscious as she walked into the room and all eyes were on her. She hated that he’d allowed her to ambush Bill.

“She doesn’t need to be here” Bill didn’t want to do this in front of her, he didn’t want to do it period.

“That’s not up to you. This is the treatment plan I have prescribed for you” he turned to Hillary. “I want to start a dialogue with you” she nodded nervously.

“What made you ultimately decide to divorce Bill?” Hillary’s eyes went wide. Bill turned to her his gaze eating right through to her core.

“I…I don’t see how that is relevant.”

“It is please answer the question” she sighed, closing her eyes hating to have to relive this.

“I didn’t think he’d ever change” Richard held his hand up when he saw Bill about to interject. “It had been years of lying, telling me he’d change. I wanted to believe him, but I just didn’t. I couldn’t take another heartache, so I made the tough decision to get a divorce.”

“Was it because you no longer needed him politically?” she gasped.

“How dare you?”

“Is that what happened Hillary, I mean we all know that you’re cold and a bitch” Richard noticed Bill out the corner of his eye. He knew how fiercely protective of Hillary he could be so he wanted to make sure to keep track of him at all times.

“That is not what happened and you know it! You were there why are you saying these things?”

“Come on Hillary admit it you never loved this man, you turned your cheek time and time again to his infidelities because he served your purposes and when he no longer could help you, you abandoned him” she gasped the tears streaming down her face.

“That isn’t true at all. I couldn’t take being hurt anymore. I love him so much but he hurt me and I tried to fight for us, but I didn’t think I’d ever be enough to keep him home. I spent a lifetime of turning the other cheek well I had none left, he’d battered and bruised them all. I thought I was going to die that first night I spent without him, it’s still hard all these years later. I miss him…” Bill sat eyes wide, he never truly understood how painful the divorce was for her. He thought she’d just moved on without ever looking back. Hilary sat tears streaming down her face.

“Why are you fucking him then?” Bill finally spoke. She looked at him confusion etched all over her face.

“What are you talking about?” Richard was confused, but he didn’t interject.

“I saw you with him the other night. He was feeling you up, I heard the two of you whispering outside my bedroom door. I know what’s going on!”

“Not that it’s any of your business, since the ink was barely dry on our divorce papers before you were fucking bimbos or maybe you never stopped. And I know you fucked Emily in my house last night! But I am not sleeping with Richard. For fucks sake grow up Bill!”

“I can assure you that Hillary and I aren’t engaging in anything inappropriate. I have been in a long-term relationship with a fella I’m head over hills in love with” Bill felt stupid, he realized once again that he’d messed everything up. “Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way let’s get back why we’re here. Bill why do you still harbor such resentment towards Hillary?” Richard knew that this was usually where he’d get up and storm out. He held his breath wondering if her presence would keep him in his seat.

“She abandoned me when I needed her the most” her breath hitched in her throat. Richard held his hand up to stop her from speaking. “I tried, I really tried. I love her have always loved her. I know I didn’t deserve her and I tried so hard to push her away because she deserved so much better, but she just wouldn’t go. Then I fixed myself and she left me. I didn’t know what to do with my life, my career was over, I had nothing and she just left me” tears blinded his vision. He dropped his face into his hand. Richard looked at Hillary and nodded.

“I never abandoned you Bill. I was left in tatters after her” Hillary was still unable to say that name, the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. “Everything I thought was gone, you were with her on our anniversary of all days. I’d been able to keep going all those years because I felt I was special, that you only shared your body with them but not your heart. When the details of what happened with her came out, I no longer felt I even held the special place in your heart. That nothing was sacred, not our marriage vows, not even special places, days or items” Hillary chocked back a sob.  He couldn’t take it anymore. Before either of them could react he stood from the chair and stalked out of the room. Richard looked over at a stunned Hillary.

“At least he didn’t do it just at the mention of your name like every other time” Hillary stood up and ran from the room. He sighed, unsure if he were ever going to get them on the same page.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has finally happened, I've hit a wall. I wrote this chapter sometime ago but I tried writing the next and I got nothing. Hopefully I get something to come out soon.

She laid in bed staring at the ceiling. She couldn’t face another day like yesterday. Bill remained in his room after storming out of the therapy session. Hillary went to hers soon after. She’d spent half the night crying and then falling into a fitful sleep only to wake up and do it all over again.

Bill paid close attention to the time. He’d been sitting outside her door, his head pressed against it the entire night. Her heart wrenching cries and guttural sobs tore him up inside. He hated himself for being the one to hurt her this way. If any other person dared treat her this way, he would have done everything he could to harm them. He thought about his suicide attempt, Bill closed his eyes tightly trying to not think about it. He pressed his ear to her door and there was silence. She’d fallen asleep again, but he knew within the hour she’d be awake again and crying, but for now he’d take solace in the silence.

<><><><><><><> 

The therapy session finally arrived, Richard could tell that neither of them had gotten much sleep. Hillary was even more on guard today than yesterday if that was possible. She sat hands folded tightly in her lap, back ramrod straight, eyes laser focused but not on anything in particular. Bill looked defeated, he slouched in his chair, eyes sunken in, skin pale. His hands thrown over the arms of the chair, he was wearing a t-shirt that looked like it had been pulled from the bottom of a hamper and sweat pants.

“Who wants to tell me why they didn’t sleep well last night?” he looked between the two of them.

“There was a lot to digest from yesterday” Bill mumbled.

“Elaborate please” he squirmed in his chair and took a moment, thinking of his words carefully.

“I never really realized how bad I hurt her” Richard noticed Hillary tighten her hands in her lap. “There was always that utter feeling of not being good enough. I convinced myself that she didn’t really care, that I wasn’t really hurting her. I’m not saying that it was an absolute truth I’m just saying that was my truth, how I saw the world. Every time I tried to convince myself that she loved me, that I was hurting her because of that love, the doubts crept in and I went back to destruction” he sighed and turned to look at her for the first time in week. He saw the shattered woman sitting before him, shattered from not just the infidelities but the suicide attempt, all the pain laid forth in her glistening blue eyes. “I’m so sorry Hillary. Sorry for the lies, for cheating, for trying to kill myself. I’m sorry for ever hurting you and never loving you the way you deserved” for the first time in their relationship she truly felt like he meant it.

“I accept your apology” her voice was soft as she fought not to betray her emotions.

“Bill what else did you want to say to her?” he dropped his head to compose himself.

“I would like to ask for your forgiveness for ruining our marriage” he looked at her hopeful, but also afraid she would not grant him this small modicum of peace he so desired.

“I forgive you Bill, I forgave you many years ago” he knew that she was sincere.  “Please forgive yourself, I want you to get better. I want you to be happy” he swallowed the lump in his throat feeling like he didn’t deserve her kindness.

“You are my happiness.”

“Bill, not one person can be determined to be another’s happiness. They can contribute, but happiness is what’s inside. You need to find your own happiness” he dropped his head.

“I want my wife back” he looked up at her tears shining in his eyes. Hillary had a difficult time meeting his gaze. She wasn’t prepared for him to confess that he wanted to be with her again.

“Hillary you’re very quiet” she chewed her bottom lip unsure of how to respond. Her immediate reaction, her heart reaction was that she wanted her husband back, but her head remembered all that he’d done, not just in the past but presently. His attitude towards her was inexcusable. She wanted to make sure that her words didn’t cause him to relapse.

“I love Bill, I will never not love Bill and I can’t remember…..”

“Please tell him, not me” she steadied herself before looking at him.

“I love you, I will never not love you and I can’t remember a time before I loved you. I do forgive you Bill, but I don’t forget what you did, how you treated me when all I ever did was fight for you and be there for you, love you. I want us to get to a better place where we can be friends again, but as far as being anything more I just don’t see that” she could tell that he felt crushed, but thankfully she didn’t see the devastation. He couldn’t bear to hear the rejection. His face turned red she saw his pupils dilate and she was concerned for his physical health. Just like every other time he got up and walked out. This time Hillary sat devastated.

“I know it doesn’t look like it, but we’re making progress” Dr. Morrison got up and left her alone, he could tell she needed time to think.

<><><><><><> 

The house was eerily quiet and he figured she’d gone to bed. Bill softly walked to her bedroom, planning to take up residence outside her door, he was surprised when he saw the door open, the bedside table lamp was on and Hillary was nowhere to be seen. His jealously immediately took over him, sure Richard said he was in a relationship, with a man, but maybe that was a lie. His temper began to flare and all sorts of thoughts flashed through his head, was that why she didn’t want him anymore because she had Richard? Bill stalked away from her bedroom door and bounded down the stairs. He was going to teach them a lesson. He threw open the back door and walked quickly toward the guest house.

“Where are you going?” he heard the soft question. His steps slowed and he turned towards the sound he’d heard and he saw her. Sitting on the edge of the pool, her feet in the water, a tumbler of amber liquid in her hand. He felt stupid and dropped his gaze. “Are you ok do you need to speak to him?” she asked concerned.

“Yes, but it’s not important” she started to stand but he stopped her. “It’s not about my health” he huffed and walked over near her. Bill sat down next to her, removing his slippers and rolling up his pants legs he slid his feet into the tepid water. He recoiled slightly and she giggled. “The heaters not on.”

“Are you drunk?” she vigorously shook her head.

“A little tipsy” she said making a motion with her fingers to illustrate her point. “You thought I was with him didn’t you?” she asked before downing the last of the liquid in the glass.

“Yes” he simply stated. She hummed slightly as she let the sweet bourbon slide down her throat.

“Same old Bill” it wasn’t an accusation. “I’ve always been amazed at how you had less trust for me even though I never strayed, than I had for you and you always strayed. I always stupidly believed you when you said you weren’t doing anything, stupidly believed you when you said it meant nothing, stupidly believed you when you said it would never happen again, but you’ve never given me the same courtesy and I never cheated on you. Even now we’re long divorced and you still think I’m working to deceive you” she brought the tumbler to her mouth, suddenly remembering it was empty she laid it on the ground beside her. He stayed silent, she was right there was nothing he could say. They sat in silence until she broke it again. “How dare you try to kill yourself William” her voice trembled with not only pain, but anger. “You know what Vince’s death did to me, and you know I depended on you more than I ever depended on him and you go and do something like this!” she sobbed. Bill tried to comfort her, but she snatched away from him, pulling her feet out of the pool and stumbling to her feet. He knew she’d had a few drinks.

He honestly never thought of how Vince’s suicide affected her. He just wanted to be free and he wanted her to be free.

“I did it for you” she turned around quickly and pinned him with an icy glare.

“You decided to rip my heart out of my chest for me? I love you! I have always loved you and I will always love you. I don’t want you dead” he stood quickly.

“Well I’d rather be dead than to continue living without you.”

“Do you hear yourself William?” she stopped and took a breath. She knew that this wasn’t him, that it was the depression. Hillary walked to him and grabbed his hands.

“You have to get better” she said her voice breaking. He looked down and nodded. Hillary ran her fingers through his hair. “Don’t get better just for me, but for yourself.” She kissed his forehead. “Please get some rest” Hillary turned and walked towards the house. He watched her go knowing he had to fight to get better he owed it to her and for the first time in a long time he felt like he owed it to himself.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fog lifted enough for me to get this chapter written. What usually takes 45 minutes took 2 days, but hey it's done.

_“Bill” she called out to him. “Bill!” he kept walking ignoring her. He seemed to be walking in slow motion. Hillary walked behind him, but no matter how fast she walked she couldn’t catch up to him.  She noticed he was nearing a ledge. She became frantic screaming his name. Hillary tried to run but her legs wouldn’t move, she felt like a force was keeping her from getting to where he was. “Bill stop please stop don’t!” he kept walking until he walked over the edge and disappeared.  “No!” Hillary fail to the ground sobbing._

He heard her scream and burst into her room. Bill saw her thrashing about in her bed, coated in sweat, tears running down her face. He climbed onto the bed and gathered her against his body.

“Shhh baby I’m here” she clung to him, with her eyes still closed. He pushed the sweaty hair from her forehead and kissed it. Bill rocked her. “Hilly wake up sweetie. You’re having a nightmare” Her eyes fluttered open and she was momentarily confused and then the dream came rushing back to her. She tried to move away, but he held her close.

“I’m fine Bill, thank you” she looked up into his eyes, she could see the concern even in the dark.

“Just relax Hillary, I’ve got you. Do you want to talk about it?” she laid her head against his chest and listened to his heart beating. Hillary grabbed a fistful of his shirt and buried her face in his chest smelling him. Bill ran his hand up and down her back.

“Stay with me Bill, don’t leave” a statement that carried much more weight than comfort after a bad dream.  He laid down and pulled her against his body. He kissed the top of her head when he felt the tears soaking his shirt and the soft shake of sobs leaving her body.

<><><><><> 

She awoke first. Hillary’s eyes opened and she was momentarily confused, but then the events from the previous night came rushing back to her. Bill still held her tightly against him. Her first instinct was to pull away, but she relaxed back in his embrace, enjoying this moment in all its simplicity. When he awoke, she knew that that the mood would be shattered.

She could tell by the way his breathing changed that he was coming out of his sleep. She wanted to run away, but that was not going to help either of them. She blew out a breath. His eyes opened and he was momentarily confused about where he was. He moved his head and it brushed something soft. He rubbed his eyes and his vision cleared.  The events from the night before came rushing back. He was shocked that she was still in his arms and he knew she was awake.

“Good morning” she broke the silence.

“Good morning, how are you?” she didn’t make any move to leave his embrace.

“I’m ok, what about you?” she felt him hold her tighter. She released a ragged breath. He knew her better than she knew herself sometimes.

“Want to talk about it?” She shook her head. She wanted so badly to bury her face in his chest, finally she gave up. Hillary turned and placed her face against his chest, holding tightly to his side. She fought with her emotions. He rubbed up and down her back. “Hilly, it’s ok I’m here. I’m not going anywhere” she looked up at him blue eyes shining with unshed tears.

“Promise me you won’t leave me” her voice cracked a single tear ran down her face. Bill sat up just enough to reach her, he kissed the tear away.

“I’m not going to leave you” she settled into the crook of his arm, her small body nestled against his large one. She tried to fight the sleep that was threatening to overtake her, but she was exhausted mind body and soul. Bill looked down at her in his arms, trying to figure out what all this meant, he decided to push it away and would think about it later, for now he just wanted to enjoy her in his arms again.

<><><><><><> 

Richard looked at his watch, they were twenty minutes late for their session. He huffed and stood from the chair. He decided to go in search of them. Richard first went to Hillary’s office, she tended to get caught up in work. Both had been late at times, but neither at the same time. Her office was empty. He frowned, Richard climbed the stairs. He went to Bill’s room first. The door was open, his bed was a crumpled mess, but it was empty. He scratched his head. He walked down the hall to her bedroom. He stopped in front of the partially open bedroom and peaked inside, what he saw made his heart stop. There they were spooned together in her bed, asleep.

Richard stepped back from the door, deciding not to bother them, he had a lot to think about. This was not a good idea as far as he was concerned. Bill was not where he should be in his recovery and any small disappointment could push him over the edge again. He hadn’t seen this happening, they’d been so disconnected. He should have heeded the warning that he’d been given.

_“I need to talk to you.” Richard stopped and waited for the young woman to continue. “Watch my parents, very closely. They’re like magnets when they’re allowed to be around each other for too long” Richard patted Chelsea’s arm._

_“Chelsea, I know that you may have this fantasy about your parents getting back together, but trust me what I’ve seen of them they’re done” she shook her head and rolled her eyes._

_“Trust me you won’t be saying that after a few weeks, but whatever you say” she turned and walked away from him._

Now he wondered what she meant, he would have to talk to them about that.

<><><><><><> 

Hillary stretched her body against him like a cat. He was already awake, had been for about ten minutes. He took the time to watch her, enjoy the serenity of the moment. She lifted her head from his chest, she was about to speak but a yawn cut her words off. He smiled at her, she was so cute first thing in the morning, chubby cheeks red from her sleep, hair messy, she was cute all the time he thought.

“Hi.”

“Good” she stopped her statement and looked over at the clock. She squinted, the numbers blurry.

“Afternoon” he helped her out, Bill reached over to the nightstand and grabbed her glasses, handing them to her.

“Thank you, Bill we’re late for the session” he cursed under his breath.

“I forgot all about that” he swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up, stretching his long lean body. She stared at him, he noticed the look. “I’m going to get a shower and then maybe we can salvage some of this day. Are you going to be ok?”

“Yes, I’m fine” he leaned over and kissed her forehead before walking out of her room.

Richard was still in the office when they finally decided to join him. He looked at his watch, letting them know he wasn’t pleased.

“We’re sorry about being late” Bill stated as he took his usual seat. Hillary took hers and Richard looked between them.

“Do you think it’s a good idea for you to be having sex with Bill?” he asked her suddenly. Her eyes widened, mouth slightly open.

“We didn’t have sex” Bill interjected. Hillary composed herself enough to speak.

“I didn’t have sex with Bill, why would you think?”

“I saw the two of you this morning. Even if you aren’t, I have been told you have a history of going there” Bill dropped his head, Hillary squirmed in her seat. “I can see there is some truth to that. I can’t stop you all from doing whatever you will do, but I do advise against a physical relationship at this stage. It will only complicate and confuse things. Bill isn’t where he should be emotionally to be engaging in those activities. What were you doing in Hillary’s bed Bill?” Bill lifted his head just enough so that his voice wasn’t muffled but he refused to make eye contact with Dr. Morrison.

“She had a nightmare and I went to comfort her” he dropped his head again.

“What was the nightmare about Hillary?” she fiddled with the buttons on her cardigan.

“Bill, killed himself and I tried to save him but I couldn’t” he looked up at her, he had a feeling it was something of that nature.

“Hilly baby I’m right here I’m ok” Richard looked between the two of them and he already knew the situation had gotten out of control, they may not have had a sexual relationship but they’d most certainly reattached emotionally and that was by far worse.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

She was fighting herself. Fighting not for her life but his. She wanted so badly to fall back into his arms, but on the other hand she also knew that she couldn’t commit to him, to them. Hillary never believed how much she meant to him until this episode, now she knew how much he did love and desire her. Now was not the time to play with his feelings whether unintentionally or not. He stepped into the kitchen and saw her standing at the large bay window staring out. He noticed her move when she felt his presence, a movement so slight it would have been imperceptible to most. He walked over to her and slipped his arms around her waist.

“Ignoring me won’t make me go away” he murmured against the top of her head. Hillary stepped out of his embrace and she flinched at his crestfallen expression.

“Bill you know” he shook his head.

“Why are you listening to him and not your heart? You know what you want Hillary, and that’s me, us” he started to walk closer to her and she backed up.

“Bill this isn’t the right thing for you. I can’t commit to us being together and I just worry…” before she could finish her thought Richard came into the kitchen.

“Bill are you ready?” he knew he’d came just in time. Hillary began to walk and he stopped her. “Hillary, I’m just going to have Bill in the session today” Bill scowled but Richard was not deterred. Bill looked back at Hillary, confusion etched on both their faces.

<><><><><><><> 

“What were you doing Bill?” Bill took on a defensive posture. It was different from the first days of therapy but nonetheless difficult to deal with.

“Talking, can’t do that these days?” he was tense.

“I thought we agreed that..”

“We didn’t agree on anything. You decided that you knew what was best for us.”

“You’re angry with me for trying to save your life? You know she’s not ready and she may never be ready. Her loving you has never been the question. You’re going to push her into something she isn’t ready for and when she can’t reciprocate then what? You’ll try and maybe succeed in killing yourself?” Richard hated to lose his temper, but Bill was testing him.

“I want her! I need her and I will have her” Bill stated defiantly.

“You’re seventy Bill not seven. You sound like a petulant child and it’s neither cute nor endearing. This is a matter of life and death. If I thought, you were in a mental state of mind to deal with any possible rejection I’d tell you to go for it. My life isn’t about keeping you two apart, but right now I’m about keeping you alive.”

“I’m not going to kill myself or even try again. I realize I have a lot to live for.”

“You have the hope of being with Hillary again, what happens if that doesn’t happen? Or if it does and for some reason that’s not enough? Bill I told you happiness is inside” Bill remained silent.

<><><><><> 

“We’re going to be in so much trouble” she said as she lay against his chest. He’d snuck into her room over an hour before. They hadn’t done anything physical but they felt more emotionally connected than ever before.

“He’s not the boss of us” Bill stroked her hair. They both chuckled at the ridiculous situation. She sat up and looked back at him.

“Bill, this is serious though. I don’t want anything to happen to you and I can’t help but to think this is not the right thing to do. We’ve been here before and you ended up…” her voice broke and she looked away, still unable to speak about the suicide attempt without breaking down. He pulled her back against his body and wrapped his arms tightly around her.

“I’m so sorry for hurting you like this. I really thought at the time I was doing the best thing for you, never having to see me or hear about what I was doing. I ruined your campaign.” Hillary pulled away again and this time turned completely towards him. She took his face between her hands.

“You did not ruin my campaign” he tried to speak but she silenced him. “Listen to me, I didn’t win because of the sexism in this country. They’d rather a loud mouth uninformed megalomaniac than a woman. It’s a sad fact but it is what it is. You could have been an exemplary husband, we could have still been married and it would have been something else, you know it as well as I do. Don’t you dare give those republican slimes an out by blaming it on yourself” before either of them could think he leaned in and kissed her. The kiss started off tentative, but soon grew heated. Hillary removed her hands from his face and clasped them behind his neck. His slid to her waist and pulled her until she was on his lap.

The kiss intensified, Hillary’s fingers racked through his hair. He moved his hands until he was cupping her ass, occasionally squeezing. She felt him harden underneath her and she came back to reality. Hillary pulled away from him and hopped out of bed. He knew what she was thinking but he was not having any of it. Without speaking Bill stood from the bed and grabbed her back to him. His lips latched onto her neck his hand came around her body until he was cupping her breast, his thumb rubbing against the hardening nipple. He pushed his crotch into her, he wanted her to feel the effect she had on him. Hillary once again pulled away and held her hand out.

“We can’t Bill” she was practically begging him.

“I need this Hill” he said softly. He reached out to her, she saw the desperation in his eyes.

“I love you, please don’t think that sex is the only way I can show it. I can’t do this to you Bill” he understood and if anything, it made him love her more.

“Let me just hold you” she reached out and took his hand. He pulled her close and held her tightly before they both climbed back into the bed.

 <><><><><><>

Bill woke up first, he stared down at Hillary curled beside him. He didn’t think he could ever let this go again. He sighed, realizing those types of thoughts was why this was so dangerous. Hillary finally woke up and looked into his eyes, he smiled at her.

“You sleep well?” he asked before pecking her lips.

“Yes” she said stretching.  Hillary rolled out of bed. “I wonder if I’m still excluded from your sessions” she wondered aloud before meandering into the bathroom. He wanted to follow her, pull her under the stream of a hot steamy shower and…. “Bill did you hear me?” she’d come back out of the bathroom and was staring at him.

“I’m sorry what?” she rolled her eyes and shook her head, but the smile tugging at her lips told him she wasn’t upset.

<><><><><><><> 

Bill went back to his room and got dressed for the day. Richard called them both down ten minutes later. They walked into the office, their steps slowing.

“Chelsea what are you doing here?” Hillary asked as she headed towards her daughter. Chelsea shook her head.

“Mom and dad sit” Hillary stopped walking, eyes wide. She looked at Bill and then at Richard. They both knew he’d ratted them out. They sheepishly sat down, avoiding eye contact with her. “I know what you’ve been doing?” Hillary was about to speak but Chelsea held up a finger. “No mom don’t even. You two are just ridiculous. I only allowed this because I thought all that happened you’d be able to control yourselves, but I was wrong. I underestimated the extent of your codependency and recklessness. Whatever this is it must stop and it has to stop now. It’s not healthy for either of you and frankly I’m not interested in trying to put my parents back together again after they’ve torn each other apart.”

“Honey, we’re not sleeping together” Hillary tried to explain.

“Yet.. and it doesn’t matter I can look at you two and I already know what’s happening here. Dad you’re coming back to the city with me. You’ll continue your treatment from my house. You can see mom if it’s supervised.”

“Now wait a minute Chelsea we aren’t children.”

“Unfortunately, I know that, if you were this would be more acceptable and not so frustrating. Dad I will help you pack up your things” she stood waiting for her dad. He looked over at Hillary bewildered. He loved his daughter but he didn’t want to go. Bill finally stood and followed Chelsea out of the room. When they were gone, Hillary turned to Richard.

“Snitch” she sneered at him before getting up and leaving. He soon left the office to go to the guest house so that he could pack his things, there was never a dull moment with the Clintons.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

Bill was withdrawn and spent most of his time scowling and mumbling. Even with his sour mood Richard wasn’t worried. He knew this wasn’t depression, this was sulking because his favorite toy was taken away from him. Bill sat with his arms folded tightly staring out the window of her high rise. Richard had to admit being at Chelsea’s wasn’t as convenient as the time he was in Chappaqua. New York city was a totally different beast.

“Dad, do you want to go to lunch?” Chelsea approached her dad from behind.

“Nope” he answered tightly. She came around him and sat across from him.

“I did this for your own good and mom’s too.”

“We aren’t children” she sighed.

“I’m aware trust me I’m aware. Well I’m going to lunch, I’ll see you later” he nodded. Chelsea left the apartment. The kids had been taken out with the nanny and Marc was at work. Bill waited fifteen minutes to make sure she was gone before he stood and grabbed his phone, sending a quick text.

He paced the room, biting his bottom lip in anticipation. Finally, he heard the door opening and he rushed over. Hillary slipped into the apartment. He pulled her into his embrace, kissing her hungrily. She pulled away.

“We’re going to get caught Bill” she said breathlessly.

“So, what can she really do? Or Dr. Richardson for that matter” she giggled. He pulled her towards his bedroom. Hillary pulled back.

“Oh, no you don’t” he turned back to her feigning innocence.

“It’s not what you think, I just don’t want to get caught immediately if someone comes back.”

“Ok” they went into the guest room where he was staying. Bill closed and locked the door behind them. Hillary was back in his arms the moment the door was closed, they kissed until they had to break apart for air.  

“How has everything been going?” he rolled his eyes. “Bill, you have to cooperate so you can go back to your place” he looked away from her sheepishly. She frowned. “What?” Bill scratched his head. She knew he was hiding something. “What?”

“Well about that, ummmm Emily is still there” she looked at him confused.

“Why, do you need help getting her to leave?” She looked him in his eyes and knew it was something more. Hillary jumped from the bed. “Oh my God you haven’t broken up with her!” he looked away, guilt written all over his face. “Why not Bill?” she prodded at his arm. He still didn’t look at her. Hillary moved into his line of vision. “Why not William? Because you’re not sure what’s happening here and you can’t stand the thought of being alone so you’re stringing her along?” he didn’t answer nor look her in the face. Her breath caught in her throat. “Or maybe you’re stringing me along” his face snapped up to meet her gaze and he shook his head.

“No, you are the love of my life. I have no plans to be with her. I love you and only you Hillary. Even if nothing comes of this Emily and I are done” Hillary turned, walking towards the door. “Where are you going?”

‘Home, call me when you have this whole thing sorted out.”

<><><><><><><> 

3 Days Later

He knew she was right, he had to break things off with Emily. It was no point prolonging the inevitable. He’d told Chelsea that he needed to get things from his place, which was partially true, he knew she only agreed because Hillary had gone out of town and there was no chance that this was a ruse for him to meet up with her.

He entered his apartment, stopping in the doorway as the memories from the night he tried to end his life started to assail him. Bill gripped the wood molding and took a few deep breaths. Emily came out of the bedroom.

“I thought I heard the door” she flung herself into his arms, but he stiffened. She pulled back looking at him quizzically. “Are you upset with me because I haven’t seen you that much?” he shook his head no, and that was the truth. He moved further into the apartment, looking around noticing she’d rearranged some of his things. He became annoyed. Bill walked over to the coffee table, and stared down at it. “Oh I moved them.”

“Why?” he asked not looking at her.

“Because I never liked them there” he shook his head, it didn’t matter she’d be gone soon enough.

“Just fucking say it!” she instantly became angry.

“I don’t think this is going to work, I know this isn’t going to work. I’m breaking up with you.”

“For that old hag? You’re leaving me for a dried up piece of fish?” Bill closed his eyes and counted to ten. He’d never strike a woman, but she was testing his resolve. Emily pushed at his shoulder. “Answer me William! You’re breaking up with me for that fucking bitch of an ex!”

“Emily, watch how you talk about her” his voice deathly calm and her anger faltered momentarily. His eyes flashed with warning.  “I’m doing this for me, it’s clear to me that this isn’t going anywhere and I’m too old to be wasting my time and I’m too much of a gentleman to keep wasting yours. Go find someone that loves you the way you deserve to be loved. I’m still going to be staying at Chelsea’s for awhile, you have a week to find a place and then I’d kindly like you to move out” she blinked, still unbelieving that he was doing this to her.

“You’ll regret this, she will abandon you the minute you show any weakness and don’t come running back to me.”

“I have no intention to” Bill walked around her and headed for his bedroom. He was going to grab some clothes. He made a quick call while he was in his bedroom to arrange for someone to monitor Emily, he didn’t trust that she wouldn’t destroy his place.

<><><><><><><> 

“Why did you end things with Emily?”

“I didn’t love her” he answered simply and truthfully.

“This had nothing to do with Hillary and whatever you think is going to happen there?” Bill hated his condescending tone. He’d had more than enough of Richard Morrison and if he never saw the man again it would be too soon. His brand of therapy was great the first few times, but now it was just grating on his nerves.

“Look, I love Hillary there is no doubt about that, but Emily was not the one for me so I broke it off. There isn’t some hidden agenda here, I think I’ve been pretty open about everything” Bill ended his statement with an eye roll.  Richard knew that it was nearly time for him to go on his way. Bill being open and honest with him was a great change and where he wanted to see him. He was also pleased that if he continued taking his medicine and was under the care of a therapist he would be ok.

“I don’t do everyday maintenance therapy as you know. I’m called in when things are dire, I think you’re pass the dire stage. At the end of the week I’m releasing you from my care, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have to go to therapy. I have done research and I have a recommendation. You still need to be seeing this person once a week and you need to take your medication, also stay away from Hillary” Bill’s eyes turned into tiny slits.

“I’m a grown man and she’s a grown woman” Richard held his hand up.

“Bill, I’ve heard this song and dance, you’re better, but you aren’t ready for Hillary and frankly she’s not ready for you. Do yourself a favor and her too, get one hundred percent and then revisit that relationship. At the end of the day I can’t tell you how to live your life, I can only recommend the best course of action for your continued wellbeing. At the end of the day you can do as you please and if you fuck up, I’ll be called and I’ll try to put you back on track.”

<><><><><><>  


Hillary was attending a woman’s conference in London. She’d just gotten back to her hotel and decided to turn on the tv. She was on her way to the bathroom when she heard something that caught her attention. She turned around and grabbed the remote when she saw Bill’s picture on the screen.

_Sources are saying that the former president tried to commit suicide….._

Hillary’s breath caught in her throat, she nervously grabbed her phone. She wasn’t sure if this was a leak from before or if he tried again. Her shaking hands pressed the preset for Chelsea. She answered on the first ring.

 _“I’m guessing you saw”_ Hillary nodded forgetting her daughter could not see her. _“Mom”_

“Yes I saw, is this…” she read her mother’s mind.

 _“Someone leaked about his attempt, we’re thinking Emily. He broke up with her”_ Hillary flopped down on the bed, somewhat relieved.

“How is he?”

 _“Taking it pretty well to be honest”_ Hillary believed her and she felt much better.

“Is there a plan in place?”

 _“He wanted to wait until you got back”_ she understood.

“I’ll be back tomorrow evening, I’ll make sure Huma has the team ready. We’ll tackle this head on” Hillary disconnected from Chelsea. She then made another call.

 _“I’m ok”_ he said when he answered.

“I know you are, I’ll be home tomorrow. We will figure out how to deal with this” he smiled knowing she’d already be on the defensive that was his girl. “Why didn’t you tell me you’d broken up with her?”

_“I really hadn’t thought anything else of it. You think it was her don’t you?”_

“Yes, but it doesn’t matter. We’ll fix this” they talked for another five minutes before Hillary’s exhaustion took over. Her thoughts were with him as she fell asleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this fic is a bit heavy, so I do try to weave in some lighthearted moments but I am in no way making light of such a serious topic.

Hillary went straight from the airport to Chelsea’s. The media had been notified that Bill was at Chelsea’s. Hillary was sure that was Emily’s doing. Hillary was taken to the service entrance. She entered the apartment, Chelsea, Bill and their team waited for her arrival. Marc had taken the kids to the park. Bill stood up and walked to her, taking her into his arms. He didn’t care what people said, he needed to have her in his arms.  He pulled away from her and stared into her eyes. She knew he wanted to kiss her, but she wouldn’t allow it. Hillary pulled away from him and patted his arm.

“We need to get to work. The media is swarming around out there like flies on shit” Hillary sidestepped Bill and he was momentarily hurt. He cleared his throat and joined everyone else. “What did you all find out? What’s the extent of their knowledge? I want to know what we’re working with when we spin this.”

“No spin” he stated. She turned to him confused. He continued. “I’ve thought about it and I don’t want to spin it, I want to do an interview and explain what happened.”

“Bill, they’re going to eat you alive.”

“Hillary, I’m not ashamed. I have a mental illness. When I had my heart issues we didn’t hide it, we’re always talking about taking the stigma from mental illness, well let’s start with me” she regarded him, but she still wasn’t convinced. Yes, they talked often about the stigma of mental illness and how it should be ended, but that was abstract. This was Bill and she wanted to protect him. She looked around at everyone, she knew they were holding their breaths waiting for the blow up.

“Bill, can I speak to you for a moment?” he nodded and followed her into the guest bedroom. Once they were inside she turned to him. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’ve been thinking. I don’t want to lie or spin it. What kind of message is that sending? I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t talk about my own issues, maybe I can help someone” she was still apprehensive, but she understood.

“Have you thought of someone you’d want to interview with?”

“No, I haven’t gotten that far. We’ll have the team do research to figure out who would be best, but it needs to happen quickly.”

“We’ll have it figured out before the end of the day” they stood in awkward silence. They’re eyes locked and Bill took one long step and pulled her body against his. She didn’t fight, she needed this. His head dipped and he took her mouth in a heated kiss. Her lips parted almost immediately to allow his tongue entrance. His left hand tangled into her silky tresses, his right slowly slid down the expanse of her back until it reached the curve of her ass. He grabbed it and pulled her tighter to his body. She moaned into his mouth, her leg coming along his waist, pressing her now heated center against his hardening member.

<><><><><><><> 

Chelsea looked at her watch and frowned. She caught Huma’s eye and she knew they were both thinking the same thing. Huma looked away not wanting to be the one designated to go turn the proverbial hose on them. Chelsea bit her bottom lip, she instinctively knew they were no longer talking about the plan, that they weren’t talking at all.

<><><><><><><> 

Bill pulled her breast out of her bra and tongued a hard nipple, her head was thrown back against the wall she bit her jaw trying to stifle the moan. He kissed up her chest and stopped at her neck, nipping and sucking the sensitive skin.

“Don’t mark me” she breathed out with no conviction. His movements didn’t stop or falter. His hand came up to cup her exposed breast, pressing his palm into the hard, sensitive nipple.

<><><><><><><> 

“I’m not going to get them” John spoke, seemingly reading Chelsea’s mind. Huma nodded agreeing with John. She sighed.

“Fine” she stood up and walked slowly towards the guest room, silently praying that they’d just come out of their own accord, but she knew better.

<><><>><><><><> 

Hillary worked her hand into his pants, stroking his long, thick, hardened member. His hips thrust slowly in rhythm with her movement. She was slowly sinking to her knees when there was a knock on the door. They both stilled.

“You guys need to come out. We’re all waiting” they looked at each other wide eyed, but not speaking. Maybe if they didn’t say anything she’d go away. She huffed when she didn’t hear a response. Chelsea turned the knob, but of course the door was locked. “I know you’re in there!”

They looked at each other knowing the jig was up. Hillary slid her hand out of his pants and began to rearrange her clothes. He did the same.

“You go ahead I need a moment” he said looking down at the obvious bulge in his pants. She smirked and leaned in giving him a quick peck. Hillary went into the bathroom to check herself in the mirror. She noticed the little red marks on her neck and sighed. There was no way for her to cover them, her hair wasn’t quite long enough yet. She came out of the bathroom.

“Look what you did” she whispered to him. He just smiled, his eyes twinkling. She feigned disgust but he could see the ghost of a smile gracing her features. Hillary blew out a breath and opened the door. Chelsea stood looking annoyed.

“You all cannot be trusted.”

“What, we were just talking” Chelsea grabbed her mother’s shoulders and maneuvered her to the closest mirror.

“That says otherwise” she said pointing to the hickey on her neck. Hillary shrugged away from her daughter.

“We’ve come up with a plan.”

“I don’t even want to think about why he is still in there” she said pointing to the bedroom.

“Then don’t, but we need to talk about the plan” Hillary walked into the living room, John and Huma were unable to meet her gaze. Bill joined them after a few minutes of willing his body to calm down.

“I’m going to do an interview, talking about my struggles. I need you all to research and find the best person for me to do it with and get back to me by end of day” everyone understood their task and left the apartment. Chelsea stood off to the side eyeing her parents with disapproval.

“What?” Hillary threw her hands up.

“You know what, both of you know what.”

“I need to get going. I haven’t been home yet and I need a shower and a nap” Hillary saw his crestfallen look. “I’ll see you later, maybe for dinner” she said taking his hand. He smiled softly.

“No, you won’t” Chelsea walked over to them and disconnected them. “We’re not doing this until the two of you figure out what is what. Mom go home, dad you and I will go to dinner later” she knew from their looks that a tantrum was brewing. “Don’t want to hear it!”

“Fine, I’m going” Hillary huffed. She turned and walked towards the door, but turned and smiled at Bill giving him a soft wave. Chelsea rolled her eyes.

“Bye mom” she said practically forcing her out the door. When Hillary left, Chelsea turned to her dad. “You two should be ashamed, but I know you aren’t and that makes it worse” Bill could only smirk, she was right he felt no shame, only happiness that he was sure that he was going to get his girl back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. I've been busy with school and work. So, this is the end of this one. When I began writing this chapter a week ago, I hadn't intended to end it here. As the chapter progressed it felt like the right place to stop. Thanks for reading and commenting.

She was tired, tired of trying to fight them, trying to save them. She was the child after all, they were the parents. She took in a long breath and slowly released it. Bill came into the kitchen and noticed the sad   look on her face.

“What’s wrong?”

“We need to talk dad” he knew this was coming. He sat across from her and waited. “Why do you and mom keep doing this? Haven’t you hurt each other enough? Haven’t you hurt me enough?” his heart broke.

“Chels, we aren’t trying to hurt you. We love each other, we love you” she slammed her hand down on the table and stood up.

“You two have literally nearly killed each other! And you act like I’m crazy for wanting you to stay apart!” Bill was taken aback by her anger, she was never one for emotional outbursts. “You fucked around with each other for months and then suddenly you ended up with Emily, without telling her. She nearly drank herself to death” Chelsea slowed her thoughts down when she realized what she’d just done. He never knew about what happened with her mother. She sighed before she continued. “Then she moves on, starts dating again and you try to kill yourself because she’s moved on. This isn’t healthy can’t you see that? I can’t pick the pieces back up again” she said softly before breaking down.  Bill made a move to hug her but she moved away from him. “Please, think about what you’re doing before you do this again” Chelsea walked out of the kitchen leaving her dad stunned.

<><><><><><><><> 

Hillary waited for Chelsea to show up. She’d called her and told her they needed to talk. She knew this was about her and Bill.  Hillary spoke with Bill after Chelsea called and knew that they’d had a run in that morning. He’d not told her exactly what happened between them, just that he hadn’t realized how selfish he’d been when it came to her. Chelsea walked into the sun room and saw her mom sitting on the sofa. She came over and hugged her, kissing her on the cheek.

“You want anything sweetie?”

“No, we need to talk” Hillary nodded. “I don’t want you and dad to be apart out of spite. I want you two to be happy, but only if you can handle it. Mom, when he started dating Emily, you” her voice faltered as the memories washed over her. Hillary grabbed her hand but she pulled away. “Do you know what that feels like to find your mother unconscious after she’s drunk herself into alcohol poisoning? No, you don’t because grandma never put you through this” Hillary was speechless, she knew that she’d hurt her, but she never knew to what extent.

“Chelsea, we’ve both been to therapy, we will continue to go. I love your dad and he loves me. I promise this time won’t be like all the others” she looked at her mother skeptically.

“I hope you’re right. I don’t want to have to bury my parents because they loved each other to death” she stated solemnly.

 

<><><><><><><> 

They’d decided on Anderson Cooper for the interview. Bill paced his private office. The interview was to be conducted in his Harlem office. He tried to drown out the commotion going on outside his door. He closed his eyes and took deep breaths until he was told they were ready. Bill tugged at his suit jacked before walking out of the office into the makeshift studio space. Hillary and Chelsea had not come, it was decided that was the best course of action. Anderson wanted to do the interview live, but Bill vetoed that request.

“Mr. President thank you for sitting down with me” Bill crossed his legs and nodded. “As you know last week rumors surfaced that you’d been hospitalized after a suicide attempt. You have yet to comment on that, did you try to commit suicide?”

“Yes, I did” Anderson was shocked that he freely admitted it.

“I’m sure our viewers are wondering what could have been so bad in your life that you decided to try to kill yourself.”

“Anderson, depression doesn’t discriminate. It has nothing to do with race or socioeconomic status. I was depressed and I felt the best thing for myself and those I loved was for me to be gone.”

“What made you decide to speak out?”

“Because I want to save someone’s life. I want people to know that there isn’t anything to be ashamed of. We need to take the stigma away from mental illness. I’d had my heart issues and I never hid that, so I’m not going to hide this struggle.”

“Where are you with your treatment?”

“I’ve had intensive therapy” Bill stopped and collected his thoughts. “I was able to avoid going inpatient, and did my therapy in a controlled outpatient setting.”

“Why didn’t you go inpatient? You’re telling people not to be ashamed.”

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t ashamed right after I was released from the hospital, I was confused, angry, embarrassed and my family along with my doctor decided that the best course of action for me and my status that I not be inpatient. That was also done for other patient’s privacy at whatever facility I would have gone to.”

“Where will you go from here?”

“I’m taking antidepressants, I will continue on those, and I will continue with my therapy. It’s just something I will take day by day.”

“Do you have any plans to turn this into any type of advocacy?”

“Not outside of being here and putting a face to mental illness, a familiar one. Anderson, I’m just trying to get my footing and understand this illness that I have, but I want people to know they aren’t alone” Bill ended his interview. He was relieved, it went better than he imagined.

 

<><><><><><><> 

Hillary was nervous about how the interview would go. She checked her phone several times, waiting for a call or message from Bill. After twenty minutes, she realized neither would be forthcoming. Hillary sighed and decided to take the dogs out for a walk. She was on her way out the door when Bill’s van pulled up. She continued down the steps as he exited the vehicle. Hillary began to walk the dogs around the front yard, Bill saddled up at her side.

“We need to talk” she nodded, but remained silent. He blew out a breath. “Chelsea told me about what happened with you” Hillary figured as much. “I love you and I want to be with you, but we can’t hurt her anymore. We have to make sure this is going to work” Hillary stopped walking and turned to him.

“There are no guarantees Bill you know that” he waited until they were safely ensconced back in the house before he spoke again.

“We need to have as close to a guarantee as possible. For her and for us Hillary. We have nearly killed ourselves over this thing we call love and love does not hurt baby girl” she nodded knowing he was right. He leaned in and kissed her forehead. “Why didn’t you ever tell me about that night” she dropped her head.

“I was embarrassed, there is no other explanation. I mean I’d drunk myself into a stupor and my child discovered me and had to take care of me. What kind of mother is that?”

“You’re an amazing mother, you just lost your way love” she smiled at him sadly. He knew what was coming next.

“I love you, God knows I do, but we’re just not where we should be. There’s just been so much water underneath the bridge that the bridge collapsed and there’s no way for us to get to the other side” she knew from his eyes that he understood and he felt the same. Bill held out his arms and she stepped into his embrace. He kissed the top of her head.

“Friends?” he asked softly. She nodded in agreement. They stood holding each other, thankful that they could still do that after all they’d been through.

 

 

 

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Geez I thought you all were going to come find me and beat my ass. LOL I find it so flattering that everyone was so passionate about this fic. I do have to admit I had every attention of writing an epilogue all along. teeheehee OK I guess I'm the only one laughing. Well this is absolutely the end. Thanks for reading and commenting it is greatly appreciated.

Hillary stretched her aching muscles. She purred in pleasure as the muscles began to relax. She pushed her sunglasses up on her face trying to block out the bright warm sun. She reached over to the small table next to her lounger and grabbed a tube of sunscreen, slathering it all over her exposed skin. She lay back and felt her eyes begin to flutter closed.

<><><><><><><> 

They’d promised each other they’d be friends, but clearly that didn’t mean close friends. She hadn’t seen him in five month, but she knew from Chelsea that he was doing well. Today they would all get together and have dinner. It was Chelsea’s birthday. Hillary clipped on her last earring, looking into the mirror and adjusting her collar before she walked away.

Hillary arrived at the restaurant just as his car pulled up in front of her van. He stepped out of the car, legs long and lean, sport coat and slacks fitting him perfect. His hair she could tell was freshly cut, it was the only time that the usually unruly locks would behave. She knew he was waiting for her. Her agents opened the door and before she could exit the vehicle he was there offering his hand. She took it gratefully, allowing him to help her step down. He always knew she was a bit of a klutz and he tried to help where he could. Once she was safely on the ground he pulled her into a hug, which she gladly accepted. They hugged tightly, he kissed her forehead before they headed into the restaurant. Bill’s hand fell to the small of her back and he guided her.

Chelsea saw them enter together, mirth colored their features. She knew they were happy to see one another.  She didn’t have that dread at seeing them together that used to fill her, now she was just glad that they both had gotten the help they needed and were on the right path. They reached the table and greeted Chelsea and Marc before sitting down. She silently watched them throughout dinner. She could see they’d fallen into a routine and hadn’t even realized it.  Once the dinner was over they all said goodbye. Bill walked Hillary to her van, the two hugged and he kissed her forehead before they parted ways.

<><><><><><><> 

2 Weeks Later

He strode into the Kennedy Center, making his way towards the auditorium where the event was taking place. He waved at people as he passed by. Once he reached the backstage area he began to go over his notes. Bill’s attention was on his speech when he heard a slight commotion. He looked up just in time to catch a flash of golden hair and he knew who it was. He smiled and went in search of her. He’d not realized she would be here.

“Hey, fancy meeting you here” he stated as he walked to her and kissed her cheek.

“It was last minute, someone got sick and I was in town so you know…..” he smiled at her, his light blue eyes sparkling.

“Well, let me get back to reading over my notes, but stick around afterwards so we can chat” she did just that. The two ended up at a small café. The ease between them was comforting. They’d sat and chatted until the restaurant was about to close, neither of them realizing the time. They parted with a hug and a kiss and went their separate ways.

They went on that way for about two months. Chelsea was slightly amused that they didn’t even realize what was happening. Of course, when they weren’t trying to force something they were oblivious. Whenever all three of them were together she and Marc would look at each other and shake their heads, but she didn’t feel trepidation about what she knew was slowly happening.

“So you two saw each other last week?” she asked amusement coloring her voice. “Neither of you mentioned that” Hillary waved her off as she continued to dig into her pasta.

“It was unexpected. Your dad was having dinner at the Polo Grill and I decided to stop in after seeing a play with Louise” she shrugged before reaching over and spearing one of his mushrooms onto her fork. Chelsea and Marc looked at each other smirking.

<><><><><><><> 

“They don’t even see it, do they?” Marc asked as he sat on the sofa next to his wife.

 “Nope, it’s hilarious. They spent all that time trying to sneak and be ridiculous, but now they don’t even recognize that they’re coming back together.”

“Maybe they’re playing us” she shook her head.

“Nah, I know them. They’re oblivious this time and that’s exactly how it should be. They’re reconnecting emotionally instead of physically. I’m happy I think they’ll be fine.”

<><><><><><><> 

_I have an extra ticket to Come from Far Away tonight. You up for it?_

_-B_

Her phone beeped alerting her to a message. She grabbed it and saw the message was from Bill. A smile tugged at the corners of her lips. She read the message and quickly replied.

_You read my mind. I’ve been wanting to see that forever. Dinner afterwards?_

_-Hill_

He replied that it sounded like a plan. Hillary finished up her work and then began preparing for her night out with Bill.

They agreed to meet in the city. When she arrived he’d already been ushered into the theater and was waiting for her at their seat. Hillary tried to slip in as quietly as possible, although these days that was still a difficult task. People stopped what they were doing and stared, since she was a frequent fixture at plays since the election they were probably more intrigued about she and Bill being together.

“Hey you” he greeted her. When she sat next to him, he squeezed her hand before letting it go. She found herself immediately missing his touch. As usual he could sense what she was thinking. He grabbed her hand again and pulled it into his lap.

<><><><><><><> 

Chelsea called her mom after she saw the morning paper.

“So, did you have a date last night?” she asked in a teasing tone. Hillary scrunched her face confused. “You haven’t seen the _Times_ this morning, have you?”

“No, it was next on my agenda. And to answer your question, no I didn’t have a date last night. I went to a play with your dad. Are they peddling rumors?” Chelsea laughed at how unaware they both were.

“I’ll just let you read for yourself” she became silent as she heard Hillary rustling through her papers. Her breath caught in her throat when she saw the _Lifestyle_ section.

“I was not on a date with your dad” she stated incredulously. “Where do they get off with these lies?” Chelsea burst out laughing.

“Maybe because for the last I don’t know two weeks you two have been going to a lot of plays, dinners, other events…together.”

“We’re not dating, we are friends and co-parents” Chelsea rolled her eyes.

“Mom, I’m nearly forty.”

“Is that supposed to mean something?” Chelsea just remained quiet, but a smile was on her face. This was how it should be.

<><><><><><><> 

1 Month Later

Hillary yawned for the third time in less than five minutes. He looked over at her and knew she was on her way to dream land.

“Maybe you should head home now” she’d come over and they’d had dinner before settling in for a movie. They’d seen each other every day that week, sometimes just for coffee, sometimes for a play and tonight for a stay in dinner. They both now realized what was happening, but were too afraid to think about it or name it. She stretched like a cat before laying her head on his shoulder. He brought his arm around her and hugged her to his side, dropping a soft kiss on her hair.

“No, I’m not ready to leave yet” her voice already soft with sleep.

Her eyes fluttered open and she was confused about where she was. Then the evening came back to her. She moved, but bumped into something hard and unmoving, that she immediately knew was Bill from the soft rustle of his breathing, to the scent that was so uniquely him that filled her nose. She sat up and peered at the clock on the table, it was late nearly two thirty. She knew it was too late to go home now and she didn’t want to disturb Bill. Hillary slipped out of bed and quietly walked into his closet. She opened the drawer where she knew he kept his t-shirts. She changed out of her clothes and slipped into his shirt before getting back into bed. When he felt her near, his arm went around her and pulled her against him. Hillary laid her head on his chest and went back to sleep.

<><><><><><> 

Hillary sat perched on his sofa, legs tucked underneath her body as they watched an episode of _Madam Secretary_. Bill came back into the living with a bowl of popcorn and sat it between them.

“Do you think it’s weird that we mostly watch shows that are about us?” she asked absently as she dug into the bowl. He chuckled.

“No, it’s just fascinating to see how we’re portrayed” Hillary moved the bowl from between them and scooted over closer to him. He smiled down at her before turning his attention back to the tv.

<><><><><><> 

“I have a meeting about the foundation early tomorrow. I should be sleeping” he murmured. She lifted her head from his chest.

“I do believe that you’re the one that promised it was the last time, three times ago” her voice jovial. They’d become intimate again the week before, but made sure not to let on. It wasn’t that they were sneaking around, they just wanted this for themselves.

“And I don’t regret a second of it” he replied trying to stifle a yawn. She reached up and pecked his lips.

“Go to sleep big boy, and make sure when you get up at that ungodly hour that you don’t wake me” he laughed and shook his head.

“Goodnight Hillary, I love you.”

“I love you” they kissed softly once again before falling asleep.

<><><><><><><><> 

3 Months Later

She stood in the mirror. She couldn’t believe that this was about to happen again, but she was eternally happy. No matter what happened he was the love of her life. She was also happy that Chelsea was happy for them and ok with where they’d found themselves. She stepped away from the mirror and blew out a breath as she prepared to become Hillary Clinton yet again and this time for good.

<><><><><><><> 

Bill found her by the pool. He walked over to her and brushed her leg. Behind her glasses her eyes were slits but he could tell she wasn’t completely sleep yet. She moved her head to the side and held her hand out towards her husband. He sat on the lounge chair next to her.

“What are you thinking about love?” he asked before dipping and kissing her lips.

“Just about how we got here.”

“Happy thoughts I hope?” she ran her fingers through his hair and sat up kissing him hotly before replying.

“Happily, ecstatic thoughts” he stretched his body next to hers on the chair. They’re legs intertwined mimicking the way their hearts had intertwined all those years ago, in a Yale library.


End file.
